your choruses coat new york city night skies in longing and royal blue
the sadness of your low notes keep a slow thunder in the street
i stayed there long enough to hear a verse or two
in the cold wind and the back bend of where the sidewalks meet
did your smile resemble the vinyls your voice was melted into?
lines perfectly shaped for silver screens
perfectly shaped for mountain ranges
closing in on 2 am’s guilt and mystery
did the sound of cracks between the phrases of your words
show up on your skin the morning following?
after the eyes peering into you turned their heads for just enough time
for you to breathe again
after the lights blinded you just enough
for remains hovering in your sight to guide you back home
do your refrains follow you into your bed?
do you allow the haunting to cradle you to sleep
or do you shudder at the same demons you let cling on to your shadows
and the last note hit in every song
because i know there was something wrong
someone who is expected to be porcelain
is always hollow inside
is that why
you stuck diamond coated needles into your veins
wanting to be higher than the skyline bounds you to be?
did addiction break you down until you needed puppeteer strings
to pull you up again before the curtains opened
were the lights not bright enough
to mask your brown with ivory
so maybe your dreams
could sing too?
or was your downfall and the sadness in your tone
only there because one too many times when the lights faded out
you were simply
apologies used to drip out of my mouth
like a leaking faucet waiting to be handled by second thoughts.
the words that scurried out of my mouth
tight like their grip was designed too
little girl had no place outside of her four walls
and endlessly untouchable ceilings and floorboards.
so little girl
said sorry for remembering
sorry for smiling to hard
sorry for forgetting
for leaving the girl they wanted to see behind a locked door
feet dangling, reaching to a foundation
masked by haze
knew nothing of what it meant to behave
although she knew all of the words to a song adults sang
she still spoke apology
as clearly as her own name
Anxiety attacks are the worst because sometimes you have no idea why you’re crying or angry and you just think of everything wrong in your life and you can’t control it all you can do is breath in and out and cry it out
my entire life two years ago.